When my dear friend Maggie from The Polished Closets invited me to be a part of her Mom Talk Tuesday series, I jumped at the chance.  Not only does Maggie serve as a part of my tribe of people, she's also my gut-check for parenting (her son & our girls are only a few months a part), she's always happy to celebrate large & small victories over a glass of wine, plus she has fantastic style.   After you are done over here, I hope you head on over to Maggie's site, as well as Nina's to read their take on balance in motherhood.

I've written on the topic of balance as a working mother before, but this was before we added two more little ones to our family.  Now even more than ever, balance is a sticky wicket.  The more that I attempt to attain it, the less it seems within my grasp.  Between a full-time gig, an active 7-year-old, a set of nearly-two-year-olds, a husband, & a dog - I have a lot of balls in the air.  In fact, how I refer to our lives these days is an exercise in juggling.

And here's a very well kept secret I'm sharing today - I don't excel in juggling whether it be literal or metaphorical.  It's definitely an intentional practice and something that I work tremendously hard to maintain. And what comes with that are some tips & tools that I subscribe to that help that juggling act go a little easier in our day to day.

Flexibility is the key to getting through the day, the week, the year.
I will be the first person to cop to the fact that I am a Type A person.  I thrive in a structured, controlled environment.  There's some theories out there that children do as well.  However, if there is one thing that I know for certain is that children are unpredictable even with out best efforts to make things are consistent for them as possible.  I found that the more that I got set on a certain way of doing things, when things (inevitably) went awry, I got more bent out shape (as do the kids).  There are days that go smoothly & there are days that are, well, complete shit.  Learning to roll with the punches, adjusting, & course correcting as need be & being okay with it are paramount to my success in parenting and managing to juggle both work & life.

Determine what is worth your time, energy, & effort - then farm the rest out.
In this day & age when everything is so carefully & beautifully curated around us, it's easy to fall into the trap that you have to do it all.  I stand by the fact that you don't.  Prioritize what is important to you and find a way to farm out the rest.  For someone who works a traditional 9-5, 5 days a week job, I try to find services that can help out either on week nights and/or over the weekend.  We value time with our family since we don't get a ton during the week.  So services which can give us time back over the weekends are where we look to farm out - Cut out doing laundry by hiring a laundry service ; Hire a housekeeper to come into your home even once a month; Bring in someone to take care of your lawn; Order food on a weeknight from a local restaurant via a food delivery service (we love DoorDash). Basically finding anything that makes your life a little easier and gives you time back in your day.

Find your tribe & keep them close.
I mentioned earlier that Maggie is a part of that tribe.  I cannot tell you how much I rely on these people - they are my sounding-boards, my gut-checks, they laugh with me, cry with me, curse with me.  They've been with me from coffee to cocktails to late night ice cream.  Motherhood is hard, but it's even harder in a silo.  You don't always have to share the exact same parenting mantras, but when you have a group of people who get you & support you, it makes this adventure a lot easier.

Accept you don't have to be all things to all people.
Everyone wants to be able to do it all, but I truly believe that you don't have to do it all in the traditional sense.  Rather, I believe that you should do your own version of doing it all.  And that includes knowing that it's OK to let go of what isn't important to you or a priority. 


Carve out time for yourself & guard it well.
Self-care is a big term these days, but what it really comes down to is finding something for yourself whether it be an activity like working out, taking time to take physical care of yourself, or even just finding time to sit quietly without a thousand things pulling at you.  Over the past six months, I've started to carve out time for myself by working out.  We also try very hard to stick to a strict bedtime - having time to decompress at the end of the day even after we tidy up the house, is tremendously important to feeling more balanced for me.

and lastly, always carry snacks.
I have found that very few things can't be fixed or righted with a snack.  (Even if it's for you & not the smaller brethren that you manage). 

At the beginning of the month, we celebrated quite the milestone - Our sweet twinkles turned 1.  It's a strange juxtaposition of feelings associated with first birthdays, and particularly this one.  In many ways it feels like we blinked and we reached a year, but in others it feels like a long time coming.  But either way, it was definitely a celebration.  A celebration not only for the girls because it was their birthday afterall, but for our family for having survived the first year of twindom.  So in that vein and given the fact that the actual days falls on a perfect day for a celebration, we decided to go all in.

Fun fact: we actually started planning with a conversation that included the desire to have llamas at the party.  And before we even had a real game plan or anything else booked for that matter, we had a full on petting zoo, llama included (note is was two alpacas that showed up, but beggars can't be choosers), booked.  Beyond that, we knew that we wanted a fun, modern twist on the typical Cinco de Mayo theme and that we wanted it at our house. Which was a gamble given that weather can be iffy at best in May and we had a rather large guest list.  (I was prepared to have to tent our yard, which thankfully did not have to happen.)  Since the weather did cooperate, we were able to put out all sorts of areas for people to use, including a fun area for the kids (or adults) to use complete with bubble wands, a Cac-Toss, hula hoops, and big bouncy balls.



Food and beverage were everyone's favorite: margaritas & tacos.  Given the fact that there was a lot going on at our house, we got Moe's to cater - which was PERFECT. We also went all in on Meri Meri's line of paper goods.  They make some beautiful and magical stuff and, as luck would have it,  happened to have a cactus line which was perfect for our fete.

I'd be lying if I told you that finding extra time these days is hard. REALLY hard.  I honestly don't think it is even the twin thing, though it does add a few more minutes onto everything, but more because I went back to work last week and between juggling the girls and Liam - I've had difficulty carving out time for anything besides tidying up the house, changing diapers, feeding humans, and working.  In spite of that whole no-me-time thing, it has been a nice busy.  And as much as I loathe the word busy, that's probably the only word I can use to describe it.  So no outfit post today, but a little peek into what's going on in these parts.

One of the questions that I get asked most often when it comes to career, children, life is how do you do it all, how do you balance it all.  Which in and of itself is an irritating question because it one simply reserved for women, not my male counterparts, but that's another topic for another day.  When I inevitably get asked this question, I have to say that the answer to that question is quite simply, I don't.  There's a great myth out there that women have to (or should want to) do it all, at least in the traditional sense.  My perspective is that you need to define your own doing it all and own that rather than someone else's definition of it. As a part of Motherhood Mondays, I'll be sharing some things to think about for a more reasonable version of doing it all. 

stop expecting to look like what you think it should look like
For years doing it all has looked like a woman who has everything all together: her work life on lockdown, her home-life pinterest-worthy, all with time to spare to get in a work out at the gym while putting a home-cooked meal on the table by 6:00 sharp every evening.  As our lives have become more and more full, I've come to realize that the traditional definition of doing it all no longer fits my narrative and that I need to carve our something that is more meaningful to my life and family.  My advice is to throw that antiquated version of doing it all out of the window and start fresh.


accept good enough, as well good enough
I am a type A control freak.  I'm a project manager by trade and have even been accused of project managing our lives from time to time.  All of this spells bad news bears when it comes to a full and complicated life.  Part of my doing it all or having 'balance' thing is based in the realization that good enough is good enough.  Which is very difficult to do in this day and age.  There are a lot of beautiful images out there of pristine interiors, well-cooked and beautifully plated meals, picturesque family vacations, and perfect evenings at home.  They are beautiful, inspirational images, but they aren't my real life.  My real life often looks like constant confusion over who is picking up from school, piles of laundry in the laundry room, and a full court press in the evenings as we careen towards bedtime.  My best advice is to throw out your perception of perfection and having to keep up with all of these unrealistic perspectives of how life should be.
Being a parent has taught me that my need to control situations, only gives me anxiety when they don't work out as I expect them to (which inevitably they never work out).  There's no point in trying to micromanage everything; it's an exercise in futility and it'll drive you bonkers.  At the end of the day, your house doesn't need to be perfect, your clothes don't need to be folded and put away, your inbox doesn't need to be all read. If your kids are fed (with anything really), you are fed(ish) (and for the record, wine counts), and everyone is relatively happy, then that's good enough.  As Elsa would say, Let it go.  (And no, I'm never letting go of that reference).


accept help where & when you can
If there's something that someone can take off of your plate - LET them.  Back to good enough being good enough, you don't have to do everything - watch your kids ALL of the time, walk your dog ALL of the time, clean your house ALL of the time, cook dinner ALL of the time.  Seriously, if you need to hire someone to do any of these and can make it work financially, DO IT.  If you need to throw frozen chicken nuggets in the oven or run through a drive through, DO IT.  If your mother/neighbor/distant cousin (who can reasonably manage a child) offers to come over so you can have a night out or run errands or just breathe, DO IT.   The additional stress off of your plate is well worth it.

put yourself first
I'm about to say something that isn't a popular statement and that is, I don't always put my children first.  Don't get me wrong, on the big things, I do, but I have to ask the unpopular question of since when does always putting your kids first 1) make you a better parent and 2) truly benefit the children all of the time.  On the first point, I actually believe that if I don't leave space to put myself first sometimes, I actually am a worse parent. And on the second point, as long as your children feel loved, supported, and are cared for then it is your prerogative to balance whatever that looks like in terms of their prioritization in your day/life as you see fit. End.of.story.

And lastly, recognize the good in your life and around you
Celebrate the wins, both big and small.  Got out of bed today? WINNING. Didn't have a trip to the urgent care today? DRINKS ALL AROUND! Didn't end up in the corner rocking in the fetal position? YOU'VE EARNED YOURSELF SOME CHOCOLATE! But seriously, I know it's hard and I am the most guilty of this, but guys, we've gotta stop being so hard on ourselves.  I promise your good is amazing.  And while you are at it, don't forget to recognize those women around you who are doing the same. GENUINELY. It's amazing what a you are doing a fantastic job or you are totally rocking that out means to people.

I truly do believe that balance and doing it all, it's overrated; it's actually garbage.  A myth that we are sold at some point in time that we need to achieve, a badge of achievement (much like the phrase but I am sooooo busy).  And if we are being 100% honest with ourselves, doesn't exist.  My perspective is that you need to define your own doing it all and balance.  Stop comparing yourself to your neighbor, that pinterest board you are keeping of perfect interior spaces (I know you are, even I do), or what you think it should look like.  Define it for yourself and I promise, it'll be like a breath of fresh air.  

As some of you might have noticed if you follow me on instagram, or know me personally, our dear Elle didn't come home with us from the hospital immediately.  In fact, she didn't come home with us close to immediately at all; she spent 72 days in the NICU.  I had mentioned in previous posts that we had identified a complication prior to their arrival and though she's fine and home with us (thankfully) things did not go according to plan or as expected.  Though I do believe that all of parenthood/motherhood should be titled Option B or Not according to Plan regardless of your situation.  I'll be kicking off my Motherhood Monday series with a bit about our experience to date.  There's a lot to unpack regarding our adventure to bringing both of our girls home, but this is as good of a place as any to start.

Back when I was almost 30 weeks pregnant. I found myself precariously laying on my side listening to a mix of the cantankerous sounds of the MRI machine and Bruno Mars. I had been put in this machine to determine what the ultrasound was showing in one of the ladies: something entirely benign or something that presented a more complicated scenario. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a more complicated scenario and I was whisked upstairs to the high-risk maternity labor and delivery floor to await steroid injections and a c-section in two-days when the ladies had officially reached 30 weeks.  After 6 hours of not too much information, the specialists had been able to convene and share with me that the ladies, in fact, would not be delivered at 30 weeks, but that it was less-risky for the ladies to continue to grow and the twin with the issue would be better served being older, bigger, and more developed for the surgery that she would more than likely require immediately post-delivery.  I'd be more stringently monitored and we'd keep our fingers crossed that I could hold these ladies in as long as possible. Which, as luck would have it, I was able to hold off until 36 weeks (6 days shy of my scheduled c-section) - a feat that I am exceedingly proud of given my size.  It all sounds very dramatic (it was), and very scary (oddly enough it wasn't) though I did cry (a fact that I will place sole blame on my hormones).

In all of this I think we were very fortunate.  Had I been having one baby, this issue might not have been identified until post-birth and the issue that was identified was 100% fixable. Since we were able to identify it early, we were able to make some preparations and set our own expectations for what would happen.  We met with specialists, we took tours (something that we never did with our son), and we dutifully went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment with quite possibly the most excellent healthcare team I've ever had the benefit of working with - which, though was incredibly time consuming, provided a sense of comfort that everyone was doing well.  We were told the tentative plan - that Baby A would require surgery almost immediately and that her recovery would likely take 4-6 weeks post-op (it took longer) which a potential for a follow-up surgery to finally resolve the issue between 6-8 weeks from the first surgery depending upon the lay of the land once they were able to examine her (She did end up having to have follow-up surgery exactly 8 weeks from her first).  Still I had a lot of questions: would we be able to see her after my c-section, when could we hold her post-op, and most importantly to us - when could she come home - none of these could be answered with any level of certainty.  We explained what was happening to our 5 year old, who asked which sister was going to require surgery, Eleanor or Charlotte.  We told him we didn't know as we hadn't picked who would be named what as we had always expected to name them once we saw them.  But in that moment, we told Liam that he could pick who was who, without telling him which required surgery and which did not.  And so Baby A became Eleanor and Baby B became Charlotte.  

We scheduled a c-section at almost 37 weeks and waited.  (As an aside, scheduling a c-section was one of the more bizarre exercises, particularly having gone into labor on my own with Liam.) Then my water broke at 36 weeks, Cinco de Mayo to be exact, and our plans were moved up a bit.  I walked into surgery and after a quick kiss and cuddle, Eleanor was whisked away with Scott. Though Scott was able to see her, I didn't get to see her for almost 24 hours and when I did, there was a lot to process. Between the vent (which she was put on to assist her breathing during surgery), all of the monitors, and sounds, it was a tremendous blow.  And then there was the waiting: the waiting for her to come off the vent and begin the process of recovery.   No one prepares you for the heart wrenching feeling that it is to have to leave your little baby at the hospital that first time and all of the times after that.  It is never easy.  And there's no amount of she's-in-the-right-places (which she is) or the-NICU-team-is-fantastic (which they are, seriously the best & most amazing people I have ever had the privilege of working with, I cannot say enough positive things about them) that will console you or make you feel any better about the fundamental fact that your baby is not home with you.



I came to realize quickly that this was our Option B - juggling time between a newborn & five-year-old at home, and another newborn in the NICU.  During the first few weeks at Eleanor's bedside, I read Sheryl Sandberg's new book Option B.  Based on her experience in the death of her husband, it discuses her journey of coping, facing adversity, building resilience and finding joy.  And for all of the sucking that this situation is (and boy does it suck), I have to say that this book came at the right time for me.  Because, look, life - it isn't easy.  And sometimes you are dealt a really unfortunate hand and sometimes you've gotta lean into the suck.  But during those times, I've come to find that you really find out what you are made of, as trite as it sounds.  You are able to grow from these situations and gain a whole new level of resilience, empathy, compassion, and strength that you never really thought possible.  During our time in the NICU, we saw some devastating cases, but we've also seen such joy, love, & compassion.  The staff came to be an extension of us and our family and they cared for and loved Eleanor as much as their own.  We're very fortunate to have been steered in their direction and to have such excellent care so close to home.  I'm also well aware that not as many people have that opportunity, nor do most people have the lead time that we did to make a little more peace with their Option B before it became reality.    




In addition to that, I've been continually blown away by the support we've received from family a friends.  The texts; the meals; the cups of coffee (and bottles of wine); all of it has made our lives a little easier, a little better.  One of the parts that truly resonated with me out of Option B was a comment surrounding how people interact with those who are going through a life-altering situation and that is the use of platitudes to 'assist those in coping'.  (You know what I am talking about - the everything-happens-for-a-reason-silver-lining crowd)  I can tell you that I've heard my share of them and though they are wonderfully well-intended, I can tell you that the advice that is offered in Option B is far more impactful: that is the simple act of acknowledgement.  To say that you acknowledge the pain that the person is going through and you are here with them - for whatever that looks like.  And this, is how I know we have the right tribe of people around us.  By-in-large, most people got it.  They allowed us space to lean into the suck, to forge our own path out, and assisted along the way.


Elle's stay ended up being a lot longer than anticipated mostly because initially they had expected her to get to come home between her first and second follow-up surgery.  This didn't happen.  So on her 72nd day in the NICU, she was discharged.  And when our sweet Elle came home, that tribe celebrated right along with us.  They had seen us come out the other side, stronger, happier, healthier, and ready to move forward as a family of 5.

Whew. I started in titling this post life lately but that's a lot to unpack and I'm trying to figure out the best way to address that sticky wicket, but in the meantime, I thought I'd share a bit of what we've been up to.  Honestly, it's been a lot of juggling between the two kids at home and the one in the NICU, but we've worked very intentionally to ensure that things are as normal as possible for our five year old.  It hasn't always been pretty in these parts and we are anxiously awaiting to have everyone under one roof and a whole different sort of crazy to start, but for the time being it works.